“Al, I know you’re busy mate, but there’s something weird happening on the dance floor”.
Scott David was rarely spooked, but he’d had a few beers, so it might not be that bad. It was early too, like 9.30PM ish. And I knew, as did everyone else, that around 10PM there’d be a descent onto said dance floor, so whatever the problem was, it needed sorting.
What the hell was it going to be? Who came in tonight? My brother, could be him. Nope, he’s over there with Clarky and Justin I think. Thank God. Hayley’s in, and she’s been drinking non-stop. Where is she? Shit, where’s Hayley. Ah, that’s good, she’s just chatting with Scott and Cremin. I hope Cremin likes me. Maybe he does, but when I serve him he look’s unsure of me, which is fair though, I’m a bit unsure of me. He looks sharp tonight.
Ok, Jessop is over there with Dale and that lot. Louise, Elizabeth, Rachel and Laura are over there, sound. They dress really well, like they should be in a Joni Mitchell set at Woodstock. Did she play Woodstock? Shit, where are the boys from my year? Ah there they are. Gerrish and Wattsy doing their best to keep Dexy vertical. And Scotty D is at the bar keeping me sane. So what the fuck is happening on the dance floor?
Ok I see it now. That is weird. I’ve never seen that before. What the fuck is he doing? I need to speak to the bouncers.
“Alright gents, so, this is a bit weird, but there’s a guy standing in the middle of the dance floor, on his tod. He’s just staring up at the decks like something from the exorcist. It’s freaking people out.”
“So you probably need to have a word with him because there’s some people who are looking at him like he’s a snack.”
“What the fuck do you want us to say, stop looking at the DJ?”
Ok, I need to sort this. What would Lloyd Willmott do? No, it’s not that bad yet. Don’t think that. Right, I’m going in.
“Mate, you can’t just stand there staring up at the DJ. You’re freaking people out man, you’ve been there for half hour. Come and get some water.”
Silence. Not even blinking. Totally and utterly off his fucking chops.
“Fella, there’s some lads in here who are going to remove you if you just keep standing there.”
Nothing. He doesn’t even know I’m there. He probably doesn’t know that he’s there.
“Ok pal. I gave you fair warning. Have a good night.”
I stand at the bar to watch and wait. I feel like Attenborough witnessing an imminent take down. But who will be the predator for this estranged-from-reality prey? Ah yes, Dale is circling him. Fuck it all this ain’t gonna be great. Oh I see the Tedaldi’s are in, always a nice surprise. They probably know some mafia types, maybe they can help? Of course they don’t know any mafia types you stupid box-headed arsehole, what the fuck am I thinking? Truth is that I just want an excuse to speak to them. What do we have in common? Ceri Collins. I don’t think that’s enough. I’m stalling now. Do something sheep head.
Dale has waited long enough for a tune to trample to. Of course it is. Of course it’s Break Stuff. Orchestrated wonderfully from the sound desk. Boom. He’s bounced the staring man off the dance floor like Papa Shango, and the masses have now descended. Like a rock version of the stampede scene in Lion King. “The gorge! Sean Smith’s down there!” Who’d play Scar though? Probably Nathan Williams. He’d play a wonderful Scar. Maybe Lowrie could play Simba. I’d go watch that.
Where the fuck has Mr non-blink gone? Ended up in a different realm most likely.
The incident drifts and the night goes quicker than most. I see Richard Wakeham isn’t happy about something. Man I wish we were better mates. He crack’s me right up. Ceri Moakes looking top tonight too, I don’t think she’s stopped laughing since she’s arrived. Superb. I fucking love this place.
I close the bar and head downstairs for a quiet pint of Worthy with Biggy and Rob. One of the bouncers is getting his wages. How the fuck is he getting paid more than me?
“Yo Alex, I heard there was bit of a fracas upstairs earlier, you should have given us the heads up. Try harder in future mate.”
I fucking hate this place.